Apparently Scary Spice had been subjecting the rest of the band to some exceedingly brutal doses of girl power and finally, as the tabloids have so adroitly put it, Ginger snapped.

I decided to assess the damages. What exactly would a world without Ginger Spice be like? In the looks department, Posh definitely has it all over on Ginger. And as far as dancing and singing goes.... Well, Ginger was not about to have monuments built in her likeness any time soon for these particular talents. So who knows? Maybe I'm not losing so much Spice after all.

Then I thought about sex. (This happens often during my waking hours – thinking about it, that is.) Ginger is definitely the only Spice that looks like she can easily screw 10 guys in the back of a van and come out of it smiling. This, after all is said and done, is what Geri Halliwell has contributed to the Spice Girls during the course of their precipitous rise to fame. In this area, she will sorely be missed.

Then the question comes, can Ginger be replaced? Geri is to the Spice Girls what Curly was to The Three Stooges (the big, dumb, lovable one). They tried to replace him and look what happened. Shemp never fit. Nor did Curly II for that matter. Who could possibly fill Ginger's shoes. Mariah Spice? Celine Spice? Fiona Spice? Probably not....

Ginger & the Girls in Happier Times

My personal choice would have to be Madonna Spice (more recently known as Religious Spice). After all, her solo career has hit some tough times as of late and she's a natural Spice if ever there was one. She's charismatic, can dance, and definitely has the gams (legs, that is.) She can't really sing but, hell, this never stopped her before, nor does it seem to hold the Spice Girls back much either.

Hey, but wait a second here. What am I doing worrying myself sick over the other Spice Girls. What about Ginger? What's to become of her now that she's been banished from Spice Land?

I posed this question to a friend who suggested that Ginger could start a solo career.

"Doing what?" I responded.

My friend pointed out that Ginger is very resourceful. The mere fact that she can't sing or dance would be of little consequence to someone such as her. She's forceful, charismatic, and no stranger to pornography.

While I did experience a pang of relief at this, the feeling was somewhat fleeting. I began to think about how much Paul McCartney sucked after he left the Beatles, but quickly realized that this would not be a problem with Ginger, since she always sucked.

Still, I knew I would miss ol' Ginger Snap. No one could pinch the Prince of England's ass, or slap Kathie Lee's, quite like her. And that thick cockney brogue of hers – it was like listening to a dock worker with size D cups.

It's times like these that make you realize what a poor communication tool the English language really is. There are simply no words to describe the way I feel tonight.

'Nuff said. One down, four to go....

July 1998